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One chilly day, a man is working in his garden with no trousers on.
“Why aren’t you wearing any pants?” a passer-by asks.
“It was my wife’s suggestion,” the man replies.
“Last week, I was out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck.
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A husband comes home with a tube of intimate lubricating jelly. “This will make you happy tonight,” he tells his wife.
He was right. Later, when he nips to the loo, she squirts it all over the doorknob so he can’t get back in.
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A lady asks the pharmacist: “Do you have Viagra?”
“Yes, madam,” he answers.
“Does it work?” she asks.
“It certainly does,” he tells her.
“Can you get it over the counter?” she inquires. “Yes,” he replies, “If I take two.”
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A newlywed couple are about to make love for the first time. The young bride doesn’t know what to do, so the groom tries to explain in a way she’ll understand.
“Let’s make it a game, where we call your bit “the cell”
and my bit “the prisoner”,” he begins.

“When the prisoner is put in the cell, he gets angry and moves around,”
Sure enough, the prisoner is put in the cell and the wife loves it. In fact, the prisoner is such a sucess, she wants him in the cell a second, third and foyrth time.
But when she asks the fifth time, the man cries:
“Flaming heck, he hasn’t got a life sentence!”

A maid for a wealth family asks the wife of the house for a pay rise. The wife is very upset about this and asks why.
“Three reasons,” says the maid. “The first is that I iron better than than you do.”
“Who says you iron better than me?” the wife snaps, offended.
“Your husband does,” the maid replies.
“The second reason is that I’m a much better cook than you are.”
“Nonsensense!” the wife scoffs. “Who says you’re a better cook than me?”
“Your husband does,” the maid replies.
“And the third reason?” the wife asks.
“I’m a better lover than you,” the maid says.
The wife is now furious. “Did my husband tell you that as well?” she storms.
“Oh no, madam,” the maid whispers. “The gardener did.”

A newspaper recently offered Tea Time for the Traditionally Built by Alexander McCall Smith for half-price. So seeing as I’m still having to spend plenty of time in bed resting, I decided it would be a great opportunity to get it and read it along with all the other Alexander McCall Smith novels I have got, which are:

The No 1 Ladies Detective Agency – By Alexander McCall Smith
Precious Remotswe is Botswana’s finest and only Female Detective, and runs The Number One Ladies Detective Agency. Her methods may not be conventional, but she’s got warmth, wit and canny intuition on her side, not to mention Mr JLB Metekoni, the charming owner of Tlokweng Road Speedy Motors.

All is not well on Zebra Drive, Mma Remotswe has got plenty of work, ranging from thefts to Suspicious Deaths at the Mochudi Hospital, but Mma Makutsi’s forthcoming marriage threatens to destabilise their happy working relationship.

Sensing this, her husband, JLB Metekoni decides to help out a bit and prove himself worthy. So he has a go at a little detective work himself, unfortunately though this doesn’t quite go according to plan

Mma Remotswe’s latest client is the big-shot owner of the Kalahari Swoopers, unfortunately she knows little about football. Matters are complicated when Violet Sephotho sets her sights on Mma Makutsi’s unsuspecting fiance, and it soon becomes clear that most men don’t recognise (or are too busy enjoying it) when a ruthless jezebel is bouncing up and down on the best bed in the Double Comfort Shop.

A teenage boy had just got his driver’s license and inquired of his fathers to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he’d make a deal with his son: ‘You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we’ll talk about the car.’

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, ‘Son, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t got your hair cut..’

The boy said, ‘You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair….. and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.’

To this his father replied, ‘Did you also notice that they also walked everywhere they went?

A depreesed farmer is sitting in a bar drowning his sorrows.
“What’s the matter, mate?” the bartender asks sympathetically.
“When I was milking my prize cow, she knocked the bucket over with her tail,” the farmer replies. “So I took off my belt and tied her tail out of the way.”
“Oh well, that doesn’t sound so bad,” the bartender says.
“No,” the farmer adds. “But then my trousers fell down and my wife walked in.”
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A shifty bloke approaches a man in pub and offers to sell hom Viagra for £100.
“No, it’s not worth it.”
“Okay, how about £50?”
“Nah, not worth it.”
“Okay, £20.”
“Not worth it.”
“What about a tenner?”
“Nope, not worth it.”
“Listen man, these pills are pricey. How can you say they’re not worth it?”
“It’s not the pills mate. It’s my wife. She’s not worth it.”
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A woman on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics.
Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and asked: “Did you know that everytime I breathe somebody dies?”
“Really,” he said. “Have you tried mouthwash?”
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A Scottishish farmer was in his field digging up tatties. An American looked over the fence and said: “In Texas we grow potatoes five times larger than that!”
The Scot replied “We just grow them for our own mouths, son!”

Q How many calories do you burn up during sex?
A. Real orgasms-112. Fake ones-1,315.
Calmly dressing afterwards-32. Dressing while your husband is knocking at the door-8,521.
Q. What do you give a man with a 10-inch penis?
A. Anything he wants.
Q. What’s the definition of penile dementia?
A. When you haven’thad it for so long, you’ve forgotten how to use it.
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A woman asks a man whether he prefers boobs or bums.
“Bums,” he replies. “If I get bored in bed, I can always turn the other cheek. If that fails, then I’ll take the booby prize.”
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“Did you enjoy your date last night with Bungalow Bill from the sales department?” a woman asks her friend.
“Oh, yeah!” the friend replies. “It’s true he hasn’t got anything up top, but there was certainly plenty going on downstairs.”
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Q. How long does it take for a man to reach orgasm? A. Oh, sorry, you missed it!
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Twin sisters are turning 100, and a photographer is taking pictures. One twin is hard of hearing. The photographer asks the sisters to sit on the sofa for him.
“What did he say?” asks the deaf sister.
“We’ve got to sit down,” says the other.
“Now move closer,” the man asks.
“What did he say?” calls the deaf sister. “He said we’ve got to squeeze together.”
“I need to focus,” the photographer adds. “What now?” demands the deaf sister. “He’s going to focus.”
The deaf twin grins…… “What? Both of us?”

Here are the top 10 worst movies, as voted for by the readers of Empire Magazine

1. Batman and Robin
2. Battlefield Earth
3. The Love Guru
4. Raise The Titanic
5. Epic Movie
6. Heaven’s Gate
7. Sex Lives Of The Potato Men
8. The Happening
9. Highlander II: The Quickening
10. The Room

The SVR won’t be fully open until March, although there is a classic Car event in February, so to tide me over until then and stop me getting withdrawal symptoms I bought this really cool 3Disc DVD boxed-set, which features The Battlefield Line, The West Somerset Railway and The Severn Valley Railway.

Disc One features The Battlefield Line during a Thomas the Tank Engine event. This line acquired it’s name when they relayed the track on part of the ground where The Battle of Bosworth Field was fought in 1485. Originally opened in 1873 the line was called The Ashby & Nuneaton Joint Railway and stayed in business until it was closed in 1970. Now Thanks to the efforts of many dedicated Rail Enthusiasts the line has been gradually reopened from Shackerstone to Shenton, and now features a wide variety of Rolling Stock including The diesel “Griffon” aswell as a museum