whizzbang.biz Blog

Marriage changes passion.Suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with ‘Guess’ on it.
So I said ‘Implants?’ She hit me.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America ?

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn’t have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go ’skinny dipping,’ now I just’chunky dunk.’

Don’t argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press ‘Ctrl Alt Delete’ and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!

Why is it that our children can’t read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

Wouldn’t you know it….
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

Bumper sticker of the year:
‘If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it’s in English, thank a soldier’

And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR ARTERIES. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. YOU’LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN’T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN’T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

IF YOU CAN’T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU’VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back…or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few! people who did….

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,

‘How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?’

I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn’t say a word… He knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women’s type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said,

‘I think I like playing with men’s balls’

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, ‘No, I’m just looking at your nuts.’

My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok . I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving ‘right now’ she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,

‘If you don’t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy’s pee-pee last night!’

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said ‘No’.
I kept thinking
‘Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don’t have any clothes with me.’

Then I said, ‘Danny, are you SURE you didn’t have an accident?’
‘No,’ he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooo, I asked one more time,

‘Danny did you have an accident?

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks, and yelled,

‘SEE MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!’

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they’d ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don’t get any? We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked:

‘So Bob, so where’s that 8 inches you promised me last night?’

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard!

Remember we all say things we don’t really mean, so do think before you speak!

GOOD
A cop from the NZ Police was watching for speeders, but wasn’t getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read ‘RADAR TRAP AHEAD.’
The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading ‘TIPS’ and a bucket full of money.

BETTER
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in the Manawatu with a Fine of $160 included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $160 The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST
A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
As a NZ Policeman walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, ‘I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Policemen’s Ball.’
He replied, ‘New Zealand Policemen don’t have balls.’
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he’d just said.
He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn’t just how you like it, think about how things used to be Here are some facts about the1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.. Hence the saying, Don’t throw the baby out with the Bath water…

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying . It’s raining cats and dogs.

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That’s how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a thresh hold = threshold.

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme,

Peas porridge hot,
peas porridge cold,
peas porridge in the pot nine days old..

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat..

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leak onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days.. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell.

And that’s the truth…Now, whoever said History was boring ! ! !

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that’s more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I’m still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour
(Don’t try this at home,maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off.
(Honey, I’m home. What the…?!)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life…quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.(Hmmmmmm……)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat’s urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains..
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they’ll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

Mick, from Dublin, appeared on ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds. You’ve done very well so far,’ said, Chris Tarrant, the show’s presenter,’but for a million pounds you’ve only got one lifeline left -

phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question……will you go for it?’

‘Sure,’ said Mick. ‘I’ll have a go!’

‘Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?’

A: Sparrow
B: Thrush
C: Magpie
D: Cuckoo

I haven’t got a clue,’ said Mick, ’so I’ll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin’.Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

‘Fookin hell, Mick!’ cried Paddy.’Dat’s simple……it’s a cuckoo.’

‘Are you sure?’

‘I’m fookin sure.’ Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, ‘I’ll go wit

Cuckoo as me answer.’

‘Is that your final answer?’ asked Chris
‘Dat it is, Sir.’

There was a long - long pause, then the presenter screamed, ‘Cuckoo is

the correct answer! Mick, you’ve won 1 million pounds!’

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

‘Tell me, Paddy? How inH eaven’s name did you know it was da Cuckoo that

doesn’t build its own nest? ‘Because he lives in a Fookin clock!’
__________________________________

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know

each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom

broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over

and said to the groom-broom, ‘I think I am going to have a little whisk

broom!’

IMPOSSIBLE !’ said the groom broom.

Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself; this is going to hurt! !! !! !

They haven’t even swept together

These are obviously original and genuine. No adult is this creative!

JACK (aged 3) was watching his Mum breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: ‘Mum why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?’

MELANIE (aged 5) asked her Gran how old she was Gran replied she was so old she didn’t remember any more. Melanie said, ‘If you don’t remember you should look in the back of your pants. Mine say five to six.’

STEVEN (aged 3) hugged and kissed his Mum good night. ‘I love you so much that when you die I’m going to bury you outside my bedroom window.’

KATIE (aged 4) had an ear ache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mum explained it was a child-proof lid and she’d have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: ‘How does it know it’s me?’

SUSAN (aged 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. ‘Please don’t give me this juice again,’ she said, ‘It makes my teeth cough.’

LUKE (aged 4) stepped onto the bathroom scales and asked: ‘How much do I cost?’

MARK (aged 4) was engrossed in watching a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: ‘Why is he whispering in her mouth?’

CHRIS (aged 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mum asked what was bothering him, he replied, ‘I don’t know what’ll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?’

JAMES (aged 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: ‘The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.’ Concerned, James asked: ‘What happened to the flea?’

TAMMY (aged 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled lady who her Mum knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then afterwards asked, ‘Why didn’t her skin fit her face?’

The Sermon I think this Mum will never forget….this particular Sunday sermon…’Dear God,’ the Priest began, with arms extended toward heaven. ‘Without you, we are but dust…’ He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, ‘Mum, what is butt dust?’

A teacher asks her class, If there are 5 birds sitting
on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?’

She calls on little Ralphy.

He replies, ‘None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.’

The teacher replies, ‘The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.’

Then little RALPHY says, ‘I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?’

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, ‘Well, I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.’

To which Little RALPHY replied, ‘The correct answer is ‘the one with the wedding ring on,’ but I like your thinking.’

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

‘Why?’ asks the father?

‘The teacher asked, ‘How much is 2×3,” I said ‘6′, replies RALPHY.

‘But that’s right!’ says his dad.

‘Yeah, but then she asked me ‘How much is 3×2?”

‘What’s the difference?’ asks the father.

‘That’s what I said!’

LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, ‘Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?’

RALPHY says, ‘Mas-tur-bate.’

Miss Rogers smiles and says, ‘Wow, little RALPHY, that’s a mouthful.’

Little RALPHY says, ‘No, Miss Rogers, you’re thinking of a blowjob.’

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR

Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, ‘Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!’

The teacher replied, ‘Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is ‘urinate.’ Please use the word ‘ur-i-nate’ in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.’

Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, ‘You’re an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you’d be a TEN!’

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word ‘beautiful’ in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, ‘My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.’

‘Very good, Suzie,’ replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. ‘My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.’

She said, ‘Excellent, Michael!’ Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY. ‘Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said ‘Beautiful, just beautiful!”

LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER

Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench, munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, ‘Son, you know eating all that candy isn’t good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.’

Little RALPHY replied, ‘My grandfather lived to be 107 years old’

The man asked, ‘Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?’

Little RALPHY answered, ‘No, he minded his own business.

Being a big fan of Kung Fu & Wuxia movies I wanted to see this at the cinema unfortunately I missed it & I’ve been waiting for it to come out on DVD, which it did on Monday - woohoo! So I got it.

It is Based on the classical Chinese novel JOURNEY TO THE WEST, and stars two of the biggest names in Kung Fu Movies - Jackie Chan & Jet Li

The story begins in modern-day Boston. where a teenage kung-fu enthusiast named Jason (Michael Angarano) is buying bootleg DVDs from his favourite shopkeeper, Old Hop (Jackie Chan). Whilst in the shop He finds a mysterious & ancient golden staff. A local bully then forces him to help rob Old Hop, but Jason escapes with the staff and is magically transported to ancient China.

Just when he thinks his troubles are over he then finds himself under attack from the forces of the sinister Jade Warlord, but is rescued by Lu Yan (Jackie Chan), a raggedy wanderer whose wine-guzzling ways conceal his kung-fu mastery. Yan reveals the truth of the staff, and that Jason is the fabled Seeker who must return it to the Monkey King (Jet Li) to thwart the warlord’s evil plans. The two are also joined in their quest by a kung-fu master named Silent Monk (Jet Li), and a beautiful orphan (Liu Yifei) who harbours her own personal vendetta.

Despite their differences, the two masters teach Jason the ways of the kung-fu warrior. And when Lu Yan is gravely wounded by the warlord’s sexy assassin, Jason must bring his newfound skills and courage to bear if he is to save one world and return to his own….