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The other night, A few women went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest, so she pulled out a £10 note

When the male dancer came over, one woman licked the £10 note and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, her friend pulls out a £20 note. She called the guy back, licks the £20 note, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of them, a third woman pulls out a £50 note and calls the guy over, and licks the £50 note.

Her friend gets worried about the way things were going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.

However Her friend’s relief was short-lived. Seeing the way things were going, the guy races over to her, Now everyone’s attention was focused on her, and the guy is egging her on to try to top the £50 note. Her brain was churning as she reached for her wallet.

So she got out her ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt,Grabbed the eighty pounds and left!!!!

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my older brother. I was maybe 1 and a half years old and someone had given me a little ‘tea set’ as a gift and it was one of my favourite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of ‘tea’, which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was ‘just the cutest thing!!’

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup
of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, ‘Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??’

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The Donkey

One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone’s amazement he went silent

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer’s neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the wellis to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone.. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

A bloke with 2 dogs bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at the check-out.

A woman behind him asked if he had a dog.

On impulse, he told her that no, he was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although he probably shouldn’t because he’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that he’d lost 25 kgs before he woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of his orifices and IV’s in both arms.

He told her that it was essentially a perfect diet, and that the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so he was going to try it again.

By this time practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with his story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if He’d ended up in the hospital because he had been poisoned by the food. He told her no, it was because he’d been sitting in the middle of the road licking his balls, when a car hit him.

One guy looked like he was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

This story happened a while back near Aughrim Co.Galway (Ireland), and even though it may sound like something out of the X Files or from Alfred Hitchcock Presents… its real!

This guy drives from Ballinasloe to Kilreekill and decides not to take the new A road, as he wants to see the scenery. The inevitable happens and when he reaches the outskirts his car breaks down – he’s stranded miles from anywhere. Having no choice he starts walking on the side of the road, hoping to get a lift to the nearest human habitation.

It’s dark and raining and pretty soon he’s wet and shivering. The night rolls on and no car goes by, the rains are so strong he can barely see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly in the distance he sees the headlights of a car coming towards him and it slows and then stops next to him – without thinking the guy opens the car’s door and jumps in.

Seated in the back, he leans forward to thank the person who had saved him when he realises there is nobody behind the wheel!!! Even though there’s no one in the front seat and no sound of any engine, the car starts moving slowly. The guy looks at the road ahead and sees a curve coming
(remember, this is in the hills and there is a steep, steep drop beyond the curve).

Scared almost to death he starts to pray, begging the Lord for his life. He hasn’t come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and moves the wheel! The car makes the curve safely and continues on the road to the next bend. The guy, now paralysed in terror, watches how the hand appears every time they are before a curve and moves the steering wheel just enough to get the car around each bend.

Finally, the guy sees lights ahead. Gathering his courage he wrenches open the door of the silent, slowly moving car, scrambles out and runs as hard and fast as he can towards the lights. It’s a small town. Wet and in shock goes to a roadside bar, which is open, and asks for a drink. They find some Whisky and give him a shot.
And he starts telling whoever will listen about the horrible experience he’s just been through.

A silence envelops everybody when they realise the guy isn’t drunk, and Is really frightened – he’s crying and shaking.

So they give him more booze and talk about what they should do,whether to call the police or find a priest, or what.
But just then two strangers walked into the bar. And one says tothe other,

“Look, that’s the fecking eejit that got in the car when we were pushing it.”