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A teacher asks her class, If there are 5 birds sitting
on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?’

She calls on little Ralphy.

He replies, ‘None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.’

The teacher replies, ‘The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.’

Then little RALPHY says, ‘I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?’

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, ‘Well, I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.’

To which Little RALPHY replied, ‘The correct answer is ‘the one with the wedding ring on,’ but I like your thinking.’

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

‘Why?’ asks the father?

‘The teacher asked, ‘How much is 2×3,” I said ‘6′, replies RALPHY.

‘But that’s right!’ says his dad.

‘Yeah, but then she asked me ‘How much is 3×2?”

‘What’s the difference?’ asks the father.

‘That’s what I said!’

LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, ‘Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?’

RALPHY says, ‘Mas-tur-bate.’

Miss Rogers smiles and says, ‘Wow, little RALPHY, that’s a mouthful.’

Little RALPHY says, ‘No, Miss Rogers, you’re thinking of a blowjob.’

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR

Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, ‘Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!’

The teacher replied, ‘Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is ‘urinate.’ Please use the word ‘ur-i-nate’ in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.’

Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, ‘You’re an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you’d be a TEN!’

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word ‘beautiful’ in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, ‘My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.’

‘Very good, Suzie,’ replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. ‘My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.’

She said, ‘Excellent, Michael!’ Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY. ‘Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said ‘Beautiful, just beautiful!”

LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER

Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench, munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, ‘Son, you know eating all that candy isn’t good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.’

Little RALPHY replied, ‘My grandfather lived to be 107 years old’

The man asked, ‘Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?’

Little RALPHY answered, ‘No, he minded his own business.

Being a big fan of Kung Fu & Wuxia movies I wanted to see this at the cinema unfortunately I missed it & I’ve been waiting for it to come out on DVD, which it did on Monday – woohoo! So I got it.

It is Based on the classical Chinese novel JOURNEY TO THE WEST, and stars two of the biggest names in Kung Fu Movies – Jackie Chan & Jet Li

The story begins in modern-day Boston. where a teenage kung-fu enthusiast named Jason (Michael Angarano) is buying bootleg DVDs from his favourite shopkeeper, Old Hop (Jackie Chan). Whilst in the shop He finds a mysterious & ancient golden staff. A local bully then forces him to help rob Old Hop, but Jason escapes with the staff and is magically transported to ancient China.

Just when he thinks his troubles are over he then finds himself under attack from the forces of the sinister Jade Warlord, but is rescued by Lu Yan (Jackie Chan), a raggedy wanderer whose wine-guzzling ways conceal his kung-fu mastery. Yan reveals the truth of the staff, and that Jason is the fabled Seeker who must return it to the Monkey King (Jet Li) to thwart the warlord’s evil plans. The two are also joined in their quest by a kung-fu master named Silent Monk (Jet Li), and a beautiful orphan (Liu Yifei) who harbours her own personal vendetta.

Despite their differences, the two masters teach Jason the ways of the kung-fu warrior. And when Lu Yan is gravely wounded by the warlord’s sexy assassin, Jason must bring his newfound skills and courage to bear if he is to save one world and return to his own….

One day A chap was packing for a business trip and his three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, ‘Daddy, look at this’ , and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, he reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said ,
‘Daddy’s gonna eat your fingers,’ pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, ‘What’s wrong, honey?’

She replied,
‘What happened to my bogey????

An attractive blonde from Cork arrived at a Casino and bets twenty- thousand Euro on a single roll of dice. She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier, when I’m completely nude.” With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,

” Come on baby, Mama needs new clothes!” As the dice came to a stop she jump up and down and squealed…

“YES! YES! I WON, I WON!”

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumb founded. Finally, one of them asked,
“What did she roll?”

The other answered, “I don’t know- I thought you were watching.”

Moral of the Story

The Irish aren’t stupid

Not all Blondes are dumb

but all men are men!!

The novel Body Surfing by Anita Shreve is being offered this week for £2.99 when you buy it with the Times Newspaper.

Plot wise The action takes place in and around A beach house in New Hampshire which is the summer home of the Edwards family, Anna and Mark and daughter Julie. There are also two older brothers, Jeff and Ben, who suddenly arrive there too

Mrs. Edwards has great hopes for Julie, who has a learning disability, so she hires a woman named Sydney to tutor her. Sydney is 29, twice married, once divorced, and once a widow. She is floundering, not sure what she wants to do, accepting whatever job comes along and then moving on. She answers the ad for a tutor and finds herself in the Edwards household, where she discovers that Julie has undiscovered artistic talent.

However Mrs. Edwards takes an instant dislike to Sydney, is dismissive, and treats her like a servant. Mr. Edwards befriends her, shows her his roses and talks to her about the history of the house.

Then Late one night Sydney goes body surfing with Jeff and Ben, and is sure that Ben groped her underwater, So takes immediate umbrage at this and treats him coldly thereafter, Julie comes home drunk one evening and won’t talk about it and there is also an illicit liaison between Sydney and Jeff which is complicated further when Jeff’s girlfriend arrives on the scene…