whizzbang.biz Blog

Marriage changes passion.Suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with ‘Guess’ on it.
So I said ‘Implants?’ She hit me.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America ?

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn’t have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go ’skinny dipping,’ now I just’chunky dunk.’

Don’t argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press ‘Ctrl Alt Delete’ and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!

Why is it that our children can’t read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

Wouldn’t you know it….
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

Bumper sticker of the year:
‘If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it’s in English, thank a soldier’

And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR ARTERIES. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. YOU’LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE – WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN’T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN’T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

IF YOU CAN’T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU’VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES – NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak – the last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back…or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few! people who did….

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,

‘How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?’

I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn’t say a word… He knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women’s type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said,

‘I think I like playing with men’s balls’

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, ‘No, I’m just looking at your nuts.’

My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok . I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving ‘right now’ she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,

‘If you don’t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy’s pee-pee last night!’

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said ‘No’.
I kept thinking
‘Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don’t have any clothes with me.’

Then I said, ‘Danny, are you SURE you didn’t have an accident?’
‘No,’ he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooo, I asked one more time,

‘Danny did you have an accident?

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks, and yelled,

‘SEE MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!’

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they’d ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don’t get any? We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked:

‘So Bob, so where’s that 8 inches you promised me last night?’

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard!

Remember we all say things we don’t really mean, so do think before you speak!

GOOD
A cop from the NZ Police was watching for speeders, but wasn’t getting many. Then he discovered the problem – a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read ‘RADAR TRAP AHEAD.’
The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading ‘TIPS’ and a bucket full of money.

BETTER
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in the Manawatu with a Fine of $160 included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $160 The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST
A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
As a NZ Policeman walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, ‘I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Policemen’s Ball.’
He replied, ‘New Zealand Policemen don’t have balls.’
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he’d just said.
He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.