Jokes
A man asked an American Indian what was his wife’s name.
He replied, “She called Four Horse”.
The man said, “That’s an unusual name for your wife.
What does it mean?”
The Old Indian answered, “It old Indian Name. It mean,
NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!”
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CAKE OR BED
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,
HONEY,
COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT’S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.
HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ELECTRICIAN WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON’T THINK SO.
FINE,
THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON’T CLOSE RIGHT
TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON’T THINK SO
FINE, SHE SAYS
THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK
I’M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON’T
WANT TO FIX STEPS
HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON’T THINK SO
I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I’M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!
SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS………………………….
HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME
AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.
AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING
AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW’D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED.
JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND
ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.
HE SAID,
SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?
SHE REPLIED,
HELLOOOOO..
DO YOU SEE SARA LEE WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON’T THINK SO!
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Male or Female
You might not have known this…but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in…but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off…it takes a while to warm them up again.
They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed…but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.
TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object……. because to get them to go anywhere…..you have to light a fire under their butt.
SPONGES: These are female…because they are soft…..squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES:
Female…because they’re constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male… because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because…over time…all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male… because in the last 5000 years…..they’ve hardly changed at all…and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male…but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it…and while he doesn’t always know which buttons to push…he just keeps trying
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Postman Pat’s Last Day:
It was Postman Pat’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a cheque for £50.
At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.
The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When they went downstairs, the blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice. As she was pouring him a cup of steaming coffee, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup.
‘All this was just too wonderful for words,’ he said, ‘but what’s the five quid for?’
‘Well,’ said the dumb blonde, ‘Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what I should give you’.
He said, ‘F*ck him. Give him a fiver.’
She smiled shyly and said, ‘The breakfast was my idea
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These classified were really put in the paper – a smile for your day
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!
FREE PUPPIES 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother, A Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog . Able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE . Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.
And the best one:
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. £200 or best offer.No longer needed, Got married last month.. Wife knows everything.
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The Athiest
An atheist was walking through the woods.
“What majestic trees!”
“What powerful rivers!”
“What beautiful animals!”
He said to himself.
As he was walking along side the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again,and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with hi left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out, “Oh my God!”
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
“You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don’t exist, and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?” The atheist looked directly into the light and said, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?”
“Very Well,” said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
“Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.”
