whizzbang.biz Blog

Here is Proof, if it were needed, that Bugatti Veyron’s are not amphibious vehicles
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AtY1GMPfadI

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a3goPs_EANU

Fifty pence

A girl calls her mother
“Mum I’m getting a divorce”
“Why” the mum asks shocked

My Husband keeps on insisting on having anal sex, I used to have a cute little hole the size of a 5p Piece now it is the size of a 50p piece.

But you have a Porsche, Platinum Credit Card, a nice house, Expensive clothes Kiids in private School, six holidays a year and A villa in Spain why give all that up for the sake of 45pence

Smear test

Doctor is asked why smear tests aren’t given to women over 70 years old
The Doctor replies “Have you ever tried separating a cheese toastie?”

An atheist was walking through the woods.
“What majestic trees!”
“What powerful rivers!
“What beautiful animals!”
He said to himself.
>
As he was walking along side the river, he heard a rustling in thebushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear
charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
>
He looked over his shoulder again,and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but
saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out, “Oh my God!”
>
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
>
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky
“You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don’t exist, and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me
to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?” The atheist looked directly into the light and said, “It would be
hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?”

“Very Well,” said the voice.
>
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head &spoke:
>
“Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.”

A Scottish Solder in full dress uniform marches into a chemists.
Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds – to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it.

The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

“How much to repair it?” the Scot asks the chemist.

“Six pence,” says the chemist.

“How much for a new one?”

“Ten pence,” says the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.

The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.

“The regiment has taken a vote,” he says.

“We’ll have a new one.”

These are from a book called ‘Disorder in the American Courts’ and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes..
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
W ITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male..
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar..
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal’s office.
He was told to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.

She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his ‘private part’ hanging out.
‘I thought I told you to call your mum!’ she said.
‘I did,’ he said,
‘And she told me that if I could stick it out until lunchtime, she’d come and pick me up.

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

HONEY,
COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT’S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
Electrician WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON’T THINK SO.

FINE,

THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON’T CLOSE RIGHT

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON’T THINK SO

FINE, SHE SAYS
THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK

I’M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON’T
WANT TO FIX STEPS
HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON’T THINK SO
I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I’M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS………………………….

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW’D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED.

JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND
ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID,
SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?

SHE REPLIED,
HELLOOOOO..
DO YOU SEE SARA LEE WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON’T THINK SO

Tower: ‘Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o’clock, 6 miles!’
Delta 351: ‘Give us another hint! We have digital watches!’

***************************************************************************

Tower: ‘TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right
45 Degrees.’
TWA 2341: ‘Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise
Can we make up here?’
Tower: ‘Sir, have you ever heard the noise a
747 makes when it hits a 727?’

***************************************************************************

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: ‘I’m bloody bored!’
Ground Traffic Control: ‘Last aircraft Transmitting,
identify yourself immediately!’
Unknown aircraft: ‘I said I was bloody bored, not bloody stupid!’

***************************************************************************

O’Hare Approach Control to a 747: ‘United 329 heavy, your traffic
is a Fokker,one o’clock, three miles, Eastbound.’
United 329: ‘Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this…
I’ve got the little Fokker in sight.’

***************************************************************************

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate
The aircraft on radar, ATC asked,
‘What was your lastknownposition? Student:’When I was number one for takeoff.’

***************************************************************************

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: ‘American 751, make a hard right turn
At the end of the runway, if you are able.
If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off
Highway 101, make a right at the lights
and return to the airport.’

***************************************************************************
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): ‘ Ground, what is our start clearance time ?’
Ground (in E nglish): ‘If you want an answer you must speak
In English.’
Lufthansa (in English): ‘I am a German, flying a German airplane,
in Germany . Why must I speak English?’
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent)
‘Because you lost the bloody war!’

***************************************************************************

Tower: ‘Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff
contact Departure on frequency 124.7′
Eastern 702: ‘Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure.
By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind

Of dead animal on the far end of the runway.’
Tower: ‘Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind
Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7.
Did you copy that report from
Eastern 702?’
BR Continental 635: ‘Continental 635, cleared for takeoff,
roger; and yes, we copied Eastern…
We’ve already notified our caterers.’

***************************************************************************

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while
A DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,
‘What a cute little plane.
Did you make it all by yourself?’
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:
‘I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like
Yours and I’ll have enough parts for another one.’

**************************************************************************

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot.
They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any
Assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747)
Listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a
British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: ‘ Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway.’
Ground: ‘Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.’
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: ‘Speedbird , do you not know where you are going?’
Speedbird 206: ‘Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate
Location now.’
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): ‘Speedbird 206,
Have you not been to Frankfurt before?’
Speedbird 206 (coolly): ‘Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,
— And I didn’t land.’

***************************************************************************

While taxiing at London ’s, Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale
made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
‘US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?
I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway!
You turned right on Delta! Stop right there.
I know it’s difficult for you to tell the difference
Between C and D, but get it right!’

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew,
she was now shouting hysterically:
‘God! Now you’ve screwed everything up!
It’ll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there
And don’t move till I tell you to! You can expect
progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour,
And I want you to go exactly where I tell you,
When I tell you, and how I tell you!
You got that, US Air 2771?’

‘Yes, ma’am,’ the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing
of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state
of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
‘Wasn’t I married to you once?’

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters —
misspellings,bad sentence construction or choice of words all make for fun reading.
These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

1. Come to One of St Annes famous Fasting & Prayer Conferences. £18 includes all meals.
———————————————————-

2.The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on Water.’

The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’
——————————————–

3.Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.

——————————————–

4.Ladies, don’t forget the Church rummage sale this Sunday.

It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

——————————————–

5. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

——————————————–

6. Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.

——————————————–

7. Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation

——————————————–

8. For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

——————————————–

9. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: ‘Break Forth Into Joy.’

—- — — ——————————–

10. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

——————————————-

11. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’Come early and listen to our choir practice.

——————————————–

12.. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

——————————————–

13. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

——————————————–

14. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.

———————————– ———

15. The ladies of the Church have cast-off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

——————————————–

16. This evening at 7 PM there will be hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a warm blanket and come prepared to sin.

——————————————–

17.The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

——————————————–

18, Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

————————– ——————
19. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM.The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

—————————–

20. The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours!

From Saturday there is a collection of Catherine Cookson DVDs with the Mail Newspaper, which can be collected from either Tesco or WHSmith

Dinner of Herbs
This tells the story of Roddy and Hal, who are only boys when their fathers are murdered by the ruthless Dan Bannerman. But Hal’s fierce hatred of Bannerman stays with him throughout his life even after he marries the beautiful Mary-Ellen. And As Hal raises his adored step daughter Kate alongside his own family by Mary-Ellen events reach an explosive conclusion when Hal discovers that the man Kate hopes to marry is none other than Bannerman’s grandson!

The Mallen Streak
This is a gripping saga of passionate love, hatred, turbulent life and violent death, but sadly no streaking. Thomas Mallen is a ruthless squire whose many illegitimate sons are marked by the Mallen streak – a lock of snow white hair and a streak of merciless self will.

The Mallen Girls
Thomas Mallen, is brought to financial ruin by his only legitimate son. He is forced to leave his home with his nieces who soon become involved with the Radlet brothers. But Donald is the illegitimate son of Thomas and bears the ‘Mallen streak’!

The Mallen Secret
The saga continues in this superb story moving forward 20 years to focus on the plight of Thomas Mallen’s daughter Barbara, played by award winning actress Juliet Stevenson, who, like her lusty father, is wilful, passionate and has made a dangerous choice of a lover.

The Mallen Curse
The romance between Barbara Mallen and Michael Radlet has floundered… or has it? This grand and gripping epic story of the Mallens culminates in The Mallen Curse, a brilliant and unpredictable climax to one of television’s best loved dramas.

The Storyteller
A 60 minute documentary of Catherine Cookson’s incredible life. Born into poverty in 1906, she never new her father and believed her mother was her sister, but Catherine wanted more from her life and through sheer determination became a world-wide bestseller!