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A depreesed farmer is sitting in a bar drowning his sorrows.
“What’s the matter, mate?” the bartender asks sympathetically.
“When I was milking my prize cow, she knocked the bucket over with her tail,” the farmer replies. “So I took off my belt and tied her tail out of the way.”
“Oh well, that doesn’t sound so bad,” the bartender says.
“No,” the farmer adds. “But then my trousers fell down and my wife walked in.”
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A shifty bloke approaches a man in pub and offers to sell hom Viagra for £100.
“No, it’s not worth it.”
“Okay, how about £50?”
“Nah, not worth it.”
“Okay, £20.”
“Not worth it.”
“What about a tenner?”
“Nope, not worth it.”
“Listen man, these pills are pricey. How can you say they’re not worth it?”
“It’s not the pills mate. It’s my wife. She’s not worth it.”
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A woman on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics.
Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and asked: “Did you know that everytime I breathe somebody dies?”
“Really,” he said. “Have you tried mouthwash?”
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A Scottishish farmer was in his field digging up tatties. An American looked over the fence and said: “In Texas we grow potatoes five times larger than that!”
The Scot replied “We just grow them for our own mouths, son!”