Here are the top 10 worst movies, as voted for by the readers of Empire Magazine
1. Batman and Robin
2. Battlefield Earth
3. The Love Guru
4. Raise The Titanic
5. Epic Movie
6. Heaven’s Gate
7. Sex Lives Of The Potato Men
8. The Happening
9. Highlander II: The Quickening
10. The Room
A fifty-four year old professor leaves his wife and sends her a text message saying
“By the time you get this message I will have left you and I will be in a hotel making love to my gorgeous eighteen year old girlfriend”
His wife, who is also fifty-four sends this reply shortly afterwards
“By the time you get this reply I will also be making love to my eighteen year old toy-boy, and being a Professor you should be able to work out that eighteen goes into fifty-four a lot more times than the other way round limp ****.”
Which is the odd-one-out
A Crab
A Scouser
A Lobster
A Shark
The shark is, because the rest are all pinching b******s who wear shell-suit
An atheist was walking through the woods.
“What majestic trees!”
“What powerful rivers!
“What beautiful animals!”
He said to himself.
>
As he was walking along side the river, he heard a rustling in thebushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear
charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
>
He looked over his shoulder again,and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but
saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out, “Oh my God!”
>
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
>
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky
“You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don’t exist, and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me
to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?” The atheist looked directly into the light and said, “It would be
hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?”
“Very Well,” said the voice.
>
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head &spoke:
>
“Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.”
A Scottish Solder in full dress uniform marches into a chemists.
Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds – to reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
“How much to repair it?” the Scot asks the chemist.
“Six pence,” says the chemist.
“How much for a new one?”
“Ten pence,” says the chemist.
The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.
The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.
“The regiment has taken a vote,” he says.
“We’ll have a new one.”
This Chilling crime fiction novel by Mark Billingham is available for half-price when you buy the Times Newspaper this week.
It features a pregnant police officer named Helen who is attempting to uncover the truth about an act of casual violence in which someone loses their life, and in so doing, becomes a target herself,
Weeks from giving birth, Helen must uncover the truth and survive in a job where death is an occupational hazard and ends up uncovering a final shocking twist in the case coming from where she least expected….
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).
The average man’s penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman’s heart beats faster than a man’s.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men..
The average person’s skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now.
Men are still busy checking their thumbs.
I recently found Gogs on YouTube. For anyone unfamilliar with the series, it Won the 1996 BAFTA for best Animation and is a Hilarious series of claymation shorts about a family of rather dim-witted Prehistoric people – Oglas, the father. Ogla, the mother. Gogas, the grandfather. Ogo, the dopey older son. Igi, the bright hippie daughter. and Girj, the baby.
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=lG-8_YMi-ek
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=q1QmmLnukXU&NR=1
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=v_1J83GdoXA&NR=1
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=rIv9sEuU1RQ
The series follows the family’s often rather messy efforts as they blunder through life, dealing with such tings as man eating dinosaurs, bears, earthquakes, volcanoes whilst discovering things like making fire, how to fly, how to make weapons and how to hunt.
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=3UZ43EYE3CE&NR=1
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=XudBvh1PUoI
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=hxTJk6SDfzA&NR=1
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=XCQlZV7iHmg&NR=1
Each episode is full of slapstick violence, toilet humour and dinosaurs. I think Gogs is simply brilliant. I never get tired of watching it, even now it still makes me laugh.
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=QXZ4qkZPXL0&NR=1
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=dKA3Nf70oyk&NR=1
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=SMTy2Ffs6wE&NR=1
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=oL0-1pW5SSw
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=jLrQVdQ7_LI&NR=1
This Saturday from 12 till 4pm there is a a Harvest Fayre at a local church. There will be loads of stalls, selling bric-a-brac, books, local produce, cakes, plants and gifts.
There will also be a tombola, a raffle & refreshments will also be served. Entertainment will also be provided by local folk group Whalebone
- sounds cool I might go down and have a look & hopefully buy loads of cakes lol 
As I mentioned yesterday The Daily Mail newspaper is offering readers the 1995 two-part adaptation of Pride and Prejudice.
As I’d hoped it is also the start of a DVD collection – they are also offering the chance to collect 11 more Classic costume dramas on DVD aswell, looks like they will be worth getting, either now or on Ebay in a fortnights time. here is the full list
* Pride & Prejudice (Part One)
* Pride & Prejudice (Part Two)
* David Copperfield
* Vanity Fair
* Far From the Madding Crowd
* A Room with a View
* Bleak House
* Tess of the D’Urbervilles
* North and South
* Emma
* Tom Jones
* Rebecca
* Wives and Daughter
